Monday, January 10, 2011

Unselfishness shining through.

I was ready to rock and roll with the writing tonight. Maybe I still am. But I have a little roadblock. My character S. is really kind of...selfish. Manipulative. Opportunistic. And I'd come home from work tonight feeling dark and twitchy enough to write her, and write her well.

Then I found out that the person I care the most about was in the hospital today. He told me after he got back--he hadn't wanted to worry me. He has a serious disease, and it was flaring up in a way he hadn't experienced before.

It was like somebody flipped a switch in my brain. I am extremely unselfish around this man. More unselfish than I have ever been around anyone. I would much, much, much prefer that I am in pain than have him in pain. The worst feeling in the world for me is when he is in pain and I can't fix it.

I can't fix this.

And I don't deal well with that.

It's taken a lot of the wind out of me for tonight. The wind that was effectively able to write a rather selfish character, anyway.

I'd exchange all the written words I have in me for him to be healed. (I wish it were that easy.)

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